How do I overcome bitterness?

Ask me how it feels to have someone grievously wrong you! How your inner-self wrenches with bile every time you think of the other person’s willful wickedness! What a disgusting bitter taste it leaves in your mouth every time you go over the unacceptable, and also sometimes heinous ways of a supposedly “loved” one! And how your mind is constantly preoccupied with the constant chatter of it all, a never-ending conversation with that invisible but ever present “adversary”, where how much ever you express your inner rage, it hardly succeeds in taking the heaviness off your heart! It is indeed a pitiable condition, when you stand helpless and weary, unwittingly letting your nemesis and the situation win over you. Is there anything that can be done about it? Or are we condemned to this hopeless misery either till things change to the satisfaction of our ego, or we drop down devastated?


This is not an intellectual proposition for me. But this is something I am having to deal with on a daily basis, for the last few months. This is not to detail the personal circumstances that put me in this situation, but an effort to express, as well as, explore the lessons I have learnt and also learning, almost every day, as I am dealing with the mess that I find myself in.


1. First of all let us admit, that we are emotional creatures. We are constantly looking for love and affection from the people around us. While in most of our dealings and interaction with others, we form opinions, pass judgment, feel good or bad, about all the impressions we pick up in our daily interactions, we hardly find time or reason to look within. To introspect. Apart from an occasional and fleeting sense of guilt or contrition, when we have really not put forward the best in us in our dealings, we remain more or less oblivious of our own attitude and shortcomings vis-à-vis  others. In seeking love, affection and approval, we forget that we have to return them in equal measure. I think this is the first lesson I have learnt from this episode. To look within. To ask myself where could I have done better. To pause and consider, have I sought to give as much as I was eager to receive? Once we understand and accept that though  most of the filth thrown at us have been undeserving, nonetheless it has provided me an opportunity to do some serious introspection. If nothing else, the stillness achieved from being introspective, endows us with a little more poise, a little more control over our impulsive and unruly emotions, especially when we are confronting such a volatile situation.


2. If the first thing we should do when we feel bitter is to be a little considerate to the other party, the second things is we should be compassionate to ourselves! Being bitter and enraged is an act of violence we commit against ourselves, little realizing that in this way we are being accomplice to the very adversary’s intention to rile us. If somebody is trying to hurt us, the best reaction we can offer is to refuse to feel hurt! Agreed it is much easier said than done, but here it is our own peace and well-being which is at stake! Why should we fall for a knee-jerk reaction of being smothered by negative emotions? What about being defiant and being in control? 


3. Now that we are in control, let us try to understand what is it that  lies behind this almost visceral feeling of bitterness? It comes from a feeling of unmet expectation – a behavior from some “loved” one that was completely “unexpected” and “unwarranted”. How could he/she behave like this to me! This is the underlying feeling of all bitterness! The more emotionally invested we are in a person, the more power we give that person to hurt us. And if unfortunately, there grows an estrangement between us and them, the first reaction is bitterness! Once we realize that it is our own expectation, it is our own investment, that has in the first place conferred on the other person the power to hurt us, we will realize that just as we have given, we are completely capable of taking away that power from them! Give up your expectations, accept that it was a foolishness to have invested emotionally in that person, make him/her unimportant to you! Once we have cut the size of that person to that she/he really deserves, we will realize much of the intensity of anger and bitterness gone! Though in all truthfulness, a lingering anguish will remain. But we can deal with it, ain’t we?


4. Once we have successfully shrunk the space that the person occupied in our minds (and in our hearts), the feeling of liberation and lightness will be all over us. Soon we will realize that the entire episode has been a blessing in disguise, giving us an opportunity to correct and reorient our priorities. If someone has wronged us, and if after our introspection we are convinced that there has been no legitimate reason for her/him to have behaved with us the way she/he had, it’s all the more better that by her/his act they have offered us a glimpse of their nature and intentions with regard to us. And now that we are aware of it, why not feel liberated and free, that we will have little reason to deal and interact with such people for all days to come? Life is expansive. There lies a lot in this wide world to explore and enjoy! Why get constrained, restricted, mired into something wholly undesirable? When this understanding really deepens, we will suddenly feel blessed that we are free again, and not caught up into an undeserving narrowness.


“Whatever happens, happens for good”. There are not many clichés as this one that irritates and infuriates me more. What a dumb way of accepting things lying down! It offers a dangerous sentiment which has the potentiality to sap away our inherent vitality. Many things happen in our lives, which are definitely not good! Why not accept it and face them boldly? But just as true it is, it is also a fact, that whatever happens we have the power and strength to choose how to react to them, and in a way make the most out of them! This is one life we have got. Why not live it in our terms without letting anybody else control it? 

Some spiritual musings

July 17,2012:


This “ego” is a difficult thing. Not only it endows all things one possesses with a delusional sense of “myness”, but it also orients all of life as a series of event for its own self-satisfaction, validation and expansion. This ego is the biggest hindrance to the blossoming of Love. But it is also true, it is this ego that can make “Love” possible. If there was no ego, which is essentially a sense of “separateness”, then how could love take place? Perhaps the raison datre of “ego” was the blossoming of Love, but the script seems to have gone horribly wrong. Is there a way to get back on the right path? What is the way to control this ego if not to get rid of it totally?


Jeanne, a friend I made recently, mentioned that she heard from a devotee that Swami explained PhD as “Pure hearted devotee”.Ah! Immidiately it struck a chord. But then I wondered what does it mean to have a pure heart? Innocence? In that case, I think it will take too much of an imagination to think I have a pure heart. But listening to a discourse made things a little simple. Swami explained, one has a pure heart, when one is free from “raga-dwesha”, ie, attachment and aversion. This sounds innocuous but has a mountain of implications. Immediately I started thinking what are my strongest attachments, and what are the things I want to run away from? Oh so many of them! Long way to go when I will finally get my PhD it seems! But worth a try…isn’t it?


On Sunday it was an amazing blessing to get the opportunity to step inside Swami’s bedroom in Shivam (Shivam is the abode of Sathya Sai Baba in Hyderabad. Its a temple in the shape of a Shiva Lingam). Oh my! The little room was throbbing with such an amazing Presence that it felt like Swami will walk in any moment. The only place where I felt something so strong was in the interview room in Prashanti Nilayam, and I was quite shaken by the experience! On Saturday evening I was in Ramkrishna Math, and as it invariably happens every time I go there, I returned with a couple of books. The one I finished reading on Saturday itself was on the inspiring story of Meera’s intoxicating, and perhaps insane love for her Beloved, Giridhari Gopal. Today, while furtively scrolling through facebook at office, a friend of mine posted a link to a 6 year old issue of a cover story of the “Heart 2 Heart” magazine which deals with, yes Shivam!( http://media.radiosai.org/journals/Vol_06/01MAY08/03-coverstory.htm ) And  how it all came about! And Swami’s interaction with Hyderabad and the devotees of Hyderabad! It was fascinating to read how in His own sweet way He prepared the ground, sowed the seeds, watered and took care of the sapling, which slowly grew into the mighty Shivam that stands tall today -the heart of Sai organization of Hyderabad! Even more fascinating was how he had charged the place with His Divine grace, which came out manifestly from numerous accounts by long standing devotees. It seems the inauguration festivities of Shivam which took place in 1973, spanned over 10 days, and in one of those 10 days, the cover story specially mentions of a drama put on by the young kids on the life and sweet devotion of Meera! And how Swami specially blessed the little kid who donned the role of the queen-mystic, asking her at the end of the show “Where is Meera?” and offering the answer Himself- “Ah! She has come to Me!”. Coincidence it might be, but to me the events of the weekend and the random chancing upon the Shivam story on facebook is a confirmation of my Lord’s boundless Love! Oh how I miss you my dear Swami!

The Theory of Karma: boon or bane?

In the last episode of Satyameva Jayate as Amir Khan explored the world of the “disabled” fellow men and women of our country, their lust and zeal for life coupled with a deep acceptance to their disadvantaged conditions stood in stark contrast to the shocking attitude of insensitivity, indifference and even contempt of the apparently “enabled” rest of us. The  outcome of this general attitude of apathy and lack of concern is manifestly evident not only in the way as a society we have completely failed to provide even a modicum of infrastructural facility to meet the special needs of our disabled brothers and sisters, but also in the way as individuals we interact with them, our reactions ranging mostly from a heartless indifference to a disrespectful condescension. And we nurture this inhuman insensitivity with little compunction, secured as we are in the belief that these hardships endured by these people are well deserved consequences of their past actions. In other words, as briefly mentioned in the show itself, The Theory of Karma, embedded deeply in our national psyche, plays no insignificant a role in contributing to our shameful insensitivity bordering on a ruthless hard-heartedness.

      There is no denying that The Theory of Karma, for whatever it is worth,  is one of those ideas that pervades our national consciousness, and shapes in a considerable measure our national attitude to life. It is one of those ideas that have been around for millennias  and have been reinforced time and again by philosophers, seers and spiritual masters of this land. The human mind is preoccupied with finding the unseen causes behind the seen effects. The vicissitudes faced by life, we find it unacceptable and unfair an idea to attribute it to an uncaring randomness. The remarkable arbitrariness in the apparent difference in the conditions of our lives,  in the skewed distribution of talents and intelligence, and also in the many events impacting our lives  profoundly and yet having little or nothing to do with our conscious actions and endeavors, is rationalized compellingly and also to an extent conveniently by The Theory of Karma.

“As you sow, so shall you reap” -this is the underlying sentiment behind The Theory of Karma that we invoke to explain the otherwise unexplainable quirks of “fate” . It is because of the apparent convincing and rational nature of this idea that for ages we accepted it almost unthinkingly. Though there have been at times certain individuals who raised a discordant note about this widely accepted theory, in general, as a Nation for much of our history we accepted it, but often with a shallow understanding and with little imagination. Have we seriously considered the implications and conclusions that flow from this Theory of Karma in their totality?

If we accept The Theory of Karma to be true how should it influence our lives?

1.     It implies that our lives in their entirety are our responsibility. Everything that has happened, that is happening, and that will happen to us is entirely of our doing. So in that case not only should we accept whatever falls in our lot without a murmur of complain, but we should also resist all temptations to point fingers at others for making our life miserable- whether it be a capricious family member, or a jealous colleague or a corrupt and callous government. True, Theory of Karma does not take away our capacity to make an effort to change the unfavorable conditions, but that should happen with a total absence of any feeling of rancor and bitterness to any other person or system. How far do we do it?

2.     Acceptance of The Theory of Karma together with the absence of rectitude in our everyday lives makes little sense. If we really accept that our present actions will shape the future conditions of our lives, how can we consciously indulge in moral lapses? With the pervasive erosion of morality and ethics in the Indian society something is seriously amiss here. Either our understanding of The Theory of Karma is disturbingly superficial, or we attach far too much importance to the temptation of the present moment to be mindful of what bearings it might have on our future. In either case, can we really consider that we take The Theory of Karma with much seriousness?

3.     For most humans, one intense desire is to be treated by his fellow men and women with consideration and fairness, if not with love and kindness. So naturally if we accept The Theory of Karma it follows that we will treat all our fellow human beings with respect, dignity and fairness that we would expect to receive from them. It is time we make an internal audit about the way we interact with people, especially the ones who are seemingly below our “social” ladder and from whom we have little to gain. Does it not belie our much touted faith in The Theory of Karma?

The Theory of Karma if followed and accepted in its totality, should impel us not only to a life full of action, but also compel us to have a cheerful disposition even at gravest of times. But let us now consider how what should have been compares with what really is:

1.      Instead of stirring us into vigorous action, the The Theory of Karma has slowly numbed us into inaction and slothfulness, so much so we have learnt to accept almost all miseries and adversities of life not only as inevitable but also as irrefutable consequences of “fate”. In a strangely distorted understanding of the Karma Theory, we have learnt to attribute the conditions of our lives to the “writings on the forehead”. We have conveniently forgotten that the same theory demands that just as what we are faced with depends on our past actions, we have perfectly within us the capacity to alter those conditions with our present actions. But if we carefully analyze the impact The Theory of Karma on our national character over centuries, we will see that more often than not it contributed to national indolence much more than to an exertion to work and action.

2.     While we have conveniently invoked The Theory of Karma to justify our otiose lifestyle, we have snugly forgotten it while indulging in grossly unethical behavior in pursuance of our selfish interests as perceived in the present moment . Our history, just as our lives have been littered with situations and instances when we almost inexplicably chose to remain oblivious to the inevitable baneful future effects that our present inappropriate actions will result in following from The Theory of Karma. However persuasive the Theory of Karma have been, at least in these times and days, it has been an utter failure to wean us away from immoral and improper behavior, when we think it can go undetected while bringing us considerable gain in the near future. 

3.     The most unconscionable effect The Theory of Karma have had on our National consciousness is the utter insensitivity, indifference and the indefensible self-righteousness with which we deal with those unfortunate individuals who have perhaps got the most raw deal from life. Be it the lowly untouchable, the unfortunate child-widow, the miserable leper or the gravely ill, as a society we have been hideous in the way we have behaved with them. And we nurture this inhuman cruelty with little compunction, secured in the belief that these terrible conditions  endured by these people are well deserved consequences of their past actions. What can be a more  perverse understanding of The Theory of Karma, that on one hand does precious little to goad us into an honorable uncomplaining life of intense activity for a better future, while on the other  provides us the perfect alibi to  invoke unknown past crimes committed by those hapless individuals to rationalize their present conditions and absolve ourselves from any sense of responsibility that our conscience might otherwise  prompt us into.

While we consider these implications of The Theory of Karma and the impacts it has on us , both as individuals, and as a society, it is time we also think about the Theory itself. I will not get into empirical evidences where at least superficially the rational understanding of the Theory of Karma makes very little sense, because to really make a judgment on the Theory based on such evidences one needs to have the complete information on the lives and experiences of the concerned subjects, which would be hardly possible.  I would rather try to understand the fundamental premises of the Theory itself and find out where it leads us to.

1.     Is it actions or intentions that The Theory of Karma cares about? If it is our actions, then it is as well we would never know what an action will result in, as once the action is done it assumes a life of its own and we have very little control of all the resulting consequences. As the example goes, I take up the action to dig a well for the thirsty passengers. What a noble action, and so far so good. But what if someone tumbles and gets drowned? So for that noble altruistic action will I have to suffer the consequences of causing someone’s untimely death? It makes little sense to our rational mind. Is it the intentions? As the proverb goes  “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” ! Is it a combination of both? As we start thinking about it deeply, we will see it is not as obvious as it seemed in the beginning.

2.     If what I face today is the result of my past actions, and I follow this chain of thought all the way back, and say for the sake of argument I accept the Theory of Rreincarnation, then we will soon find ourselves trapped in the chicken and egg problem Which came first? Which cause led to which effect?

3.     Does The Theory of Karma apply to the animals too? If it does it will be highly absurd, because almost all the actions of the animals (which perhaps, rather unfortunately, holds true for most human beings also) is prompted by instincts. They can rarely help doing what they end up doing as they are almost entirely in the thrall of their senses. In that case how does The Theory of Karma account for the evolution of the animal “soul” from lower forms of bodies, ultimately to the rarest and the “highest” of all, the human form?

These are uncomfortable questions. May be there is someone with enough wisdom out there who has a better understanding of how things work. Even if there is some sense to The Theory of Karma, the total import of it eludes most of us..Over the years we have used this limited and imperfect understanding in a rather perverse way to justify many of the inadequacies and weaknesses of our human nature. Rather than submitting to this little understood theory, it will be only more honourable of us if we have the maturity and courage to accept life as it happens. Rather than surrendering to an unknown past, it would be more becoming of us to take responsibility of the present moment. Rather than justifying people’s miseries to unverifiable past “sins”, it would me more humane of us if we develop a compassionate outlook, which will urge us to offer the same respect and dignity to others that we expect for ourselves. 

Nature of things...

Me:


 ‎Arvind What intrigues me more is not that we are so damn intelligent, but “WHY” is it that nature blessed us with so much intelligence, a capacity and also thirst, of almost infinite knowledge? Is it because of the propagation of our species? In that case all this intelligence has been surely self-defeating, with the alarming state of our planet that we have been able to reduce it to, thanks to our “intelligence”. While the “dumb” dinosaurs dominated this planet for millions of years (or billions?), perhaps only to be wiped out by a merciless meteor, we humans in spite of a relatively congenial planetary condition and so much “intelligence” and knowledge, has been able to put the planet on a “red-alert” by our own actions in a few thousand years of our unhindered domination. Which other species have been solely responsible for their own extinction? I sometimes wonder, isn’t so much “intelligence” actually self-defeating? It is true that what our species have achieved in a few thousand years have been simply stunningly spectacular. But what is a few thousand years compared to the billions of years this planet has been around? What worth is intelligence of if life itself is not sustained? Are we intelligent enough to really understand why we are so intelligent? Or we would be rather “dumb” and lazily say..we are a “freak” of nature?




Arvind:


Deb, it appears we have some disagreement. I want to try to address the points you made in your previous comments. Firstly I completely agree with your second comment. Yes, human beings are a truly marvelous species that has exercised control over almost all living and nonliving entities on this planet. And yes, it is due to this intellect are we on the brink of a thermonuclear war threatening us with extinction.


Coming to your first comment. I think your central argument can be captured by, "if nature blessed us with such high intelligence, then why are we using that to kill ourselves and everybody around us?" Here, I have major disagreements. Firstly, infidels like Akshay and I believe there is nothing blessing anything with anything. But I know you were not trying to get a supernatural angle out of this. So let us replace the statement with the following more accurate one, "if evolution by natural selection endowed us with a superior intellect, supposedly for dominating the gene pool, then why is this intellect trying to kill us, resulting in the removal of the very genes that it's supposed to protect?" This is a gross misunderstanding of the natural process leading to evolution.


Evolution cares about genes in the genepool only as much as gravity cares about the fate of passengers on a falling plane. There is no (and cannot be) a causal relationship between natural selection and the long term well being of the species. If a particular genetic mutation enables an individual to reproduce more then by definition its genes will dominate the genepool. That is “be all and end all”. There is nothing exotic about natural selection. For instance, if some genetic mutation arises in a cat that enormously enhances the sexual libido then these genes (along with others that the particular cat possess) will dominate the gene pool. But if it turned out that, that very gene causes the cat to commit suicide on the first of April every year, then all cats (it’s blood line) with that gene will die on that day (possibly extinction if the gene had managed to make its way into most living cats). There is no way natural selection can predict the side-effects of a reproduction enhancing gene. 


Intelligence is one such genetic trait that arose as a genetic mutation (bigger brains with a more foldings) in higher apes resulting in a greater reproductive capability (for e.g, by hunting predators effectively and living longer). As with all genetic traits, there is no way natural selection for predicting the ill effects of the intelligence when higher apes use them to build weapons destroying the world.


Understanding this viewpoint of life we see that there is no disagreement between what is and what ought to be. 


Let me know if you disagree.




Me:  



Aha…now it makes a lot of sense and clarifies to a large extent about the worldview held by you infidels. God Bless you! Haha..But truly, it was very well explained.  


So now if I understood it correctly, the underlying idea of the “Natural process” of Evolution is much like any other physical process, say the Force of Gravity. But even Gravity is one of the most amazing forces, yet beyond our complete understanding. For example, if the Theory of relativity is to be used to explain gravity, then what it boils down to is that gravity is there because we exist! And not the other way round! ( “ In other words just by existing, you are compelled to move through space - this is gravity.” http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physics/Relativity/GR/gravity.html UCR han!) 


Now if the world view that sees at Evolution as a purely mechanical process like most of the other physical laws, then I don’t think it would be too presumptuous on my part to hold that Evolutionary Biology stands today where Physics stood in the 17th and the 18th century….trying to explain all physical phenomenon with precise mechanistic laws, only to tumble upon the world of Quantum and sub-atomic physics to find all those certainties dissolve away…. and one has to conjure up things like “dark energy” and “dark matter” to shed some light on the darkness of our inadequate understanding! So indeed it would be incredibly fascinating to see the “evolution” of the Theory of Evolution in the coming years! May be I will have to wait for a few lifetimes to find out…while you infidels get roasted in the pit fire of hell..haha…


But more seriously, I would like to say something which I do not know if you have considered. 


 I am sure you are only too well aware of the two dominating ways to look at this world. One is God and His design and all that. The problem with this approach I don’t think I need to tell you and I agree to most of them. The other approach is to understand the world as a purely mechanistic process, governed by a set of laws. I also have serious problems with this. The fact is that even with all our knowledge and understanding as of 2012, an overwhelming portion of what this universe is and how this universe works lies beyond us. Even the most fundamental and intimate thing, the sense of “I”, an integrated consciousness that endows us with a sense of agency and individuality, we have grasped very little of it. The world of sub-atomic particles remains almost as elusive as it was a century ago. And finally even when we consider all those things that we have somewhat understood and made sense of, we did it with a thing called “mind” and the way the world outside maps to the world inside, and it remains a completely subjective experience, with its logical conclusions. To explain what I mean, we have been “blessed” (:P) with the power to experience only three dimensions. If String theory is to be true then there exists a few more dimensions, of which in our present state of consciousness we cannot have any subjective experience of. If we really had the power to experience more than three dimensions, would not that radically alter our way of looking and understanding the world? I know these remain purely speculative points, but nonetheless I think pertinent when we are trying to understand the nature of things.


So now that I have mentioned my problems with the two approaches, both of which I feel is too simplistic and convenient, this is what I feel and believe. I do not know who or what created this world. I do not know why things are the way things are in their totality. I perceive this world the way the world has wired me to, and in some ways I remain a prisoner to it. But like Andy Dufense in Shawshank Redemption, I believe I can break free from this prison one day. I do not know if “God” exists. Actually I believe, the idea of God as popular today is much of a human construct. But I know “I” exist. And I “believe” this “I” is the most extraordinary thing there is. I “believe” that this universe exist because this “I” exist in the first place just as I think, that most ideas of God as a supernatural power, distinct and different from this “I” is a figment of imagination, born of a childish sense of insecurity. I “believe” that what I understand and make of this “I” today, is only a tiny fraction of what the true possibilities and potential of “I” is. In the checkered history of mankind there have been certain individuals in whom this “I” has shone forth extra-ordinarily, almost inexplicably. And I “believe” that if there is, or should be a purpose to existence of life, it is the total manifestation of this “I”. All of life, all of evolution, all physical laws, and everything that we understand and do not understand, is for this purpose. I don’t believe there is a God other than this “I”. Can I prove this? No! because to prove we need mind, and mind is only secondary to “I”. I become aware of my mind, only after I become aware of “I”. So I do not think mind will be an effective tool in this enquiry. In fact, it is only when the mind stops buzzing, do we have some glimpse of this magnificent “I”. Haha…I don’t know if all this makes any sense to you. All this had no intention to bring you around to my view-point. But just to explain how I look at all this.

In the ocean of infinite space

In the ocean of infinite space, ceaseless time, and unbounded universe,
I a solitary, and insignificant man, filled with awe and wonder, traverse-
In Your magnificent fullness, shrouded by Your splendid silence-
You abide in eternity, as infinity pulsates with your presence.




In this cosmic stage of countless galaxies and boundless time,
You behold me in your effulgence, as I drink on your beauty sublime.
As all dissonance dissolves and all that is, is pervaded by your tranquil grace-
You reside in your splendorous solitude, and I reside in you undaunted, fearless…






An imperfect translation of Tagore's "Mahabishwe, Mahakashe.."

Kashmir, my refuge, my friend..

I wanted to escape. I wanted to go as far away as possible. As familiar things around me got shrouded with unfamiliarity, as certainties in life dissolved into uncertainties, as sensibilities got mired by things that made little sense, I wanted to run away to the unknown, embrace the ephemeral, and forget the past, even if fleetingly. Kashmir, paradise on earth, will you be the refuge to my fugitive soul?


As I looked out from the window pane of the lumbering Rajdhani trekking across the endless plains of middle India, at places brown, rocky and scorched, at places green, lush and verdant, on my journey from Hyderabad to Delhi, I wondered that in all its ageless history with all the countless number of lives lived in it from time immemorial, is not there one kindred soul in some distant past who went through the same feelings that raged in my heart, who would understand my deepest anguish, who would know exactly what it feels to be betrayed and wronged? In that silence of longing and loneliness, this ancient and formidable land of mine, which has witnessed perhaps like no other, the evolution of the human spirit, from the most savage to the lofty sublime, silently whispered- look at me, it is the power of  resilience, tolerance and acceptance that ultimately endures. I am the friend you are looking for. 


My friend drove me through the narrow misty path that split the sprawling emerald fields spreading across the plains of Jammu. The night was not yet done, and the sweet smell of the early morning and the ceaseless chirruping of the carefree birds filled the air.As I looked groggily far into the blurred horizon, my friend told me perhaps it was Pakistan that I was gazing at. That this land in all its oneness and continuity is actually divided between two inimical forces would have struck me as utterly absurd and befuddling, only if I would have been innocent of the insidious emotions that lie hidden in the crevices of the human heart, influencing much of human endeavors. What should have been one, lied divided, and even in the soft glow of the shimmering morning sun, did I notice the long pale shadows of the past lurking in those vulnerable innocuous fields. The wind blowing wistfully murmured-These are shadows of time. My spirit remains indivisible, untouched, unsullied. Ask your soul, my friend.

It was the following morning that I was finally face to face with the expansive Dal lake, nestled between the protective blue mountains, her water still, inviting and lustrous. Like a blushing maiden, embarrassed by her own breath-taking beauty, she welcomed my weary careworn spirit with an irresistible coyness. As I let myself loose in the drifting shikara, wandering aimlessly in her soft undulating bosom, my heart spilled with gladness, perhaps gratitude too. As time stood still and I drank dreamily from the azure chalice of her unblemished beauty, she accepted me just as I am. Come, unburden your heart and drink from my beauty. I have been waiting only for you. Forget everything, just as I have forgotten.

What a contrast to the intoxicating beauty of Dal Lake was the playful slopy Gulmarg, its mischievousness belied by its smooth white meadows. Promptly I joined scores of gay tourists happily slithering away on the yielding soft white snow in skiis or in sledges. If Dal lake was inebriating, this was  invigorating, but both were uniquely rewarding. After being sporty for some time, we took the hanging Gondola and soared through the dizzying heights of the proud Himalayas. At those rarefied heights the snow-clad enormous mountains, stood frozen in time, showering benediction by the unfathomable depth of their imposing presence, as gusts of white smoky wind, spread around the fragrance of their timeless deep meditation. I opened my soul and soaked in the grandeur and the grace, and let it smother my mind into a silent stillness. Son, remember you are my child, grand and pure just like me. Stand tall, and let it be.


The Indus gurgled by, as I galloped on a pony on the meandering track by its side. When we reached Sonmarg, the golden meadow was quite crowded by a motley group of tourists. The snowy mountains rose steeply, it’s white beautifully contrasting the cerulean sky. Over a few smaller rocks, strewn listlessly over the foamy mutinous river, I helped myself to a big smooth-edged stone sitting ponderously, unmindful of all the cacophony .  I sat on it for a few moments absorbing the vivacious ebullient spirit of the river as the raucous sound bathed my mind, refreshing and rejuvenating it with a new lease of life. Come join me in my celebration, and dance away your impediments. Don’t you see how lustily I am doing it? 

But apart from the spell binding beauty and bounty that mother Nature has splashed on this strip of our country, I could not but feel distressed by the appalling human condition I saw in the valley. The scale of human deprivation, amply evident by rickety houses, listless attires of the people and disheveled broken faces, I have scarcely seen anywhere else. Sunk in those sharp chiseled faces were large bright eyes, and whenever I happened to look into them, and their stare met mine, did I see in them a look of resentment and discontent? But whatever it is I saw, I found it quite unsettling and averted my gaze soon enough . It was as if the lines on their lean faces, their furrowed brows, their unsmiling lips, and their malcontent eyes- all quietly conspired, perhaps without the knowledge of their owners, to tell the story of the ravaging effect of the state’s tumultuous political experience. Peaceful it was, but a discernible uneasiness hang in the air. Who is to blame, which side is responsible, what are the causes - the political contours have become too muddied to come to any conclusive understanding of the woes plaguing the state that would be acceptable to all sides. But whatever it is, it is the human spirit that has to endure all this. But that it has to endure such unimaginable encumbrance in the midst of  such stunning grandeur, is an irony that is deeply heart-wrenching. 


 My Dear friend, now that you have seen me, have I touched your soul with understanding and solace? You are not the only one who is wronged. The human spirit is a marvelous thing. It can tarnish even the most unblemished beauty and blacken it with its meanness. But it can also brighten up the darkest and the gloomiest corner with hope and goodness. Come take away a part of my glorious beauty. But also carry a slice of my melancholy in your heart. Won’t you, my friend?

A trip to Joshua Tree National Park, California

Joshua Tree though only 80 miles from Riverside,  it is only after four years that the trip to this obscure desert park finally came to be. The ocean and the greener parks have a much stronger pull on me, and from what I had gathered about this place, spiny trees and barren rocks,  it is not surprising that there was not a strong desire in me to visit this deserted land scape. After spending one day driving and walking in this desolate wilderness, I have to admit that it has a charm and beauty of its own, which though not gregarious of the abundant greenery or the giggling river or the infinite ocean or the towering mountain, can be compared to that of a silent dissenter. 


Our team, ironically consisting of citizens of two different nations but speaking the same language-Bengali, started a little later than 8 in the morning. With six Bangladeshis , Tushar, Sourav da and myself, it had a pre-partition all Bengal representation. We got some fruits, breads and lots of drinks. It was less than two hours when we reached the Information Center of the Western Entrance of the Park. I called up mom to hear Mamata got an euphoric welcome back in Kolkata.


Armed with the map of the park, we embarked on our expedition. Soon we found ourselves surrounded by Joshua trees, from which the park derived its name, thousands of them. They were indeed interesting looking trees, bearing an uncanny resemblance to a lanky guy with a crazy hairdo and multiple stretched arms.The entire land scape was strewn with these trees when they were surrounded  by equally interesting looking rock formations. The most curious of them was the one aptly named "Skull Rock". We criss-crossed the park, at times scrambling the rocks, catching a misty panoramic view of the Palm Spring Valley from a vantage point ( the mist  a result of the pollution), and simply rambled in the rocky arid terrain. Other than the Joshua trees, there were different kinds of cactii and shrubs dotting the land. One remarkable kind was the Cholla Cactus. Woolly and innocuous in its appearance, light green in color, about three or four feet in height, they are notorious for their sharp spines. Hundreds of them covered a large area called the "Cholla Cactus Garden", which had a board at its entrance saying "If the plant bears any helpful or even innocent part in the scheme of things on this planet, I should be glad to hear of it"- J Smeaton Chase, curtly expressing the feeling of an utilitarian mind.


The most memorable part of the trip came with the sunset-saunter in the meandering sandy path, which can be mistaken to be a riverbed, cutting through the hilly slopes on two sides and flanked by trees greener and fleshier than the ones we saw all day. It was the Cottonwood Springs.The stroll in the shadow of the setting sun together with the cool breeze caressing our faces, and the gentleness of the place contrasted to the ragged landscape that we saw all day, brought a refreshing and rejuvenating element to it and we savored every moment of it.


The glow of the setting sun covered the entire landscape with a stillness and a quiet glory. Slowly the sky turned scarlet, then deep purple, finally dissolving into black. No sooner the entire sky revealed the countless gems which lied hidden in its bosom, the twinkling and sparkling stars, like crushed diamonds, popping up in endless numbers from every corner, unhindered and unobstructed from the city's pollution and light. The moon was conspicuous in its absence. The majesty and the mystery, which remains shrouded from us otherwise, as if in the characteristic divine humorous way, reminded us of how small and insignificant we are in the order of things, but at the same time, how we have been blessed with the most extraordinary of all things in creation, the awareness to witness them and get awed. 

His presence in everything I behold, His grandeur and glory, it filled my mind through out the day. It is He who envelops everything and fills it with His essence, consciousness. Once again I realized, that it's in nature, almost untouched by humans, that He reveals Himself the most. It is in such places that one feels connected to Him, almost effortlessly, with an intimacy which eludes us in the concrete jungle.

-May 2009