Ask me how it feels to have someone grievously wrong you! How your inner-self wrenches with bile every time you think of the other person’s willful wickedness! What a disgusting bitter taste it leaves in your mouth every time you go over the unacceptable, and also sometimes heinous ways of a supposedly “loved” one! And how your mind is constantly preoccupied with the constant chatter of it all, a never-ending conversation with that invisible but ever present “adversary”, where how much ever you express your inner rage, it hardly succeeds in taking the heaviness off your heart! It is indeed a pitiable condition, when you stand helpless and weary, unwittingly letting your nemesis and the situation win over you. Is there anything that can be done about it? Or are we condemned to this hopeless misery either till things change to the satisfaction of our ego, or we drop down devastated?
This is not an intellectual proposition for me. But this is something I am having to deal with on a daily basis, for the last few months. This is not to detail the personal circumstances that put me in this situation, but an effort to express, as well as, explore the lessons I have learnt and also learning, almost every day, as I am dealing with the mess that I find myself in.
1. First of all let us admit, that we are emotional creatures. We are constantly looking for love and affection from the people around us. While in most of our dealings and interaction with others, we form opinions, pass judgment, feel good or bad, about all the impressions we pick up in our daily interactions, we hardly find time or reason to look within. To introspect. Apart from an occasional and fleeting sense of guilt or contrition, when we have really not put forward the best in us in our dealings, we remain more or less oblivious of our own attitude and shortcomings vis-à-vis others. In seeking love, affection and approval, we forget that we have to return them in equal measure. I think this is the first lesson I have learnt from this episode. To look within. To ask myself where could I have done better. To pause and consider, have I sought to give as much as I was eager to receive? Once we understand and accept that though most of the filth thrown at us have been undeserving, nonetheless it has provided me an opportunity to do some serious introspection. If nothing else, the stillness achieved from being introspective, endows us with a little more poise, a little more control over our impulsive and unruly emotions, especially when we are confronting such a volatile situation.
2. If the first thing we should do when we feel bitter is to be a little considerate to the other party, the second things is we should be compassionate to ourselves! Being bitter and enraged is an act of violence we commit against ourselves, little realizing that in this way we are being accomplice to the very adversary’s intention to rile us. If somebody is trying to hurt us, the best reaction we can offer is to refuse to feel hurt! Agreed it is much easier said than done, but here it is our own peace and well-being which is at stake! Why should we fall for a knee-jerk reaction of being smothered by negative emotions? What about being defiant and being in control?
3. Now that we are in control, let us try to understand what is it that lies behind this almost visceral feeling of bitterness? It comes from a feeling of unmet expectation – a behavior from some “loved” one that was completely “unexpected” and “unwarranted”. How could he/she behave like this to me! This is the underlying feeling of all bitterness! The more emotionally invested we are in a person, the more power we give that person to hurt us. And if unfortunately, there grows an estrangement between us and them, the first reaction is bitterness! Once we realize that it is our own expectation, it is our own investment, that has in the first place conferred on the other person the power to hurt us, we will realize that just as we have given, we are completely capable of taking away that power from them! Give up your expectations, accept that it was a foolishness to have invested emotionally in that person, make him/her unimportant to you! Once we have cut the size of that person to that she/he really deserves, we will realize much of the intensity of anger and bitterness gone! Though in all truthfulness, a lingering anguish will remain. But we can deal with it, ain’t we?
4. Once we have successfully shrunk the space that the person occupied in our minds (and in our hearts), the feeling of liberation and lightness will be all over us. Soon we will realize that the entire episode has been a blessing in disguise, giving us an opportunity to correct and reorient our priorities. If someone has wronged us, and if after our introspection we are convinced that there has been no legitimate reason for her/him to have behaved with us the way she/he had, it’s all the more better that by her/his act they have offered us a glimpse of their nature and intentions with regard to us. And now that we are aware of it, why not feel liberated and free, that we will have little reason to deal and interact with such people for all days to come? Life is expansive. There lies a lot in this wide world to explore and enjoy! Why get constrained, restricted, mired into something wholly undesirable? When this understanding really deepens, we will suddenly feel blessed that we are free again, and not caught up into an undeserving narrowness.
“Whatever happens, happens for good”. There are not many clichés as this one that irritates and infuriates me more. What a dumb way of accepting things lying down! It offers a dangerous sentiment which has the potentiality to sap away our inherent vitality. Many things happen in our lives, which are definitely not good! Why not accept it and face them boldly? But just as true it is, it is also a fact, that whatever happens we have the power and strength to choose how to react to them, and in a way make the most out of them! This is one life we have got. Why not live it in our terms without letting anybody else control it?
